Franchisicide Vol. 1, Book Three

Looking back on my excitement for this film, it was sort of silly. I may not have any great love for Bryan Singer (Usual Suspects is all script and Spacey, so don't throw that at me), but he's not a hack, just overrated. You know who is a hack? Brett Ratner. Word 'round the campfire is that Mr. Ratner had the Superman job and Mr. Singer had the X-Men job and they swapped. So instead of getting one good film and one bad film, we got two bad films (my humble apologies to all you Superman Returns fans out there, but it does sort of suck).

Sure, X-Men 2 was awesome and exactly what I would ask for from an X-Men movie. Large cast handled with finesse, all characters well-written, compelling plot, fun action. Everything that X-Men 2 got right X-Men 3 got wrong. Ratner has no idea what he's doing with this cast and manages to make every one of these likeable, well-cast actors boring. Yes, that includes The Hugh Jackman, who, through all the trouble that this series has had so far (ie: the first film) has been a beacon of light shining through the mud and grime and mittens of the film.

My expectations were further dashed due to some great opening scenes. The first thing I noticed at the beginning, in the flashback that takes place 20 years before the events of the film, was that Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart looked, unbelievably, 20 years younger. It was incredible. And this coming from someone who's already seen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I was excited to see the technology being implemented in other films.

Then we flash forward another ten years and see the beginnings of Angel, who will eventually be played by the stupidly talented Ben Foster. It's suitably bone-chilling and seems to be setting up some more frightening drama between mutants and humans.

At this point my expectations were at a fever pitch and I thought that Brett Ratner might pull this thing off after all. Unfortunately that was not the case. To start, Angel's introduction scene is a waste. I'd say Angel has 10 lines throughout the movie, his character is wildly underwritten and he serves no purpose other than for fans of the comics to go clown shit over seeing one of their favorite characters on screen. It's a damn shame. Angel is a great character. Ben Foster is a great actor. And they happen to be perfect for each other.

I could go on all day about the problems in this movie, and the day that I stop short of the killing blow is the day that I sell my balls to the highest bidder.

- Wolverine is de-badass'd and turned into a loveable teddy bear that everyone spends half the movie hugging while they make transparent attempts to keep him badass (only badasses smoke cigars).
- One of the most egregious cases of discussing rather than dramatizing themes in recent memory.
- We get so little Cyclops that he may as well be killed off in the first thirty minutes to give Wolverine Jean Gray as a love interest. Oh, wait.
- Every scene Angel is in aside from the first scene is scalp-deep in unintentional hilarity.
- The film has a bad case of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-itis. As in, the filmmakers made a mat with all the characters' names on it, turned around and threw some rocks over their shoulders. Whoever the rocks landed on is who got killed.
- The last fight scene was pathetic. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. This is the ultimate showdown between mutants and humans is some knot-tops against some weekend warriors?
- Brett Ratner is so inept at staging action that there is a part of the climatic fight scene where Magneto and Pyro combine their powers to imitate Donkey Kong.

That about sums it up. Still, I will say that it was better than the first. At least it wasn't boring, at least it wasn't that linear, at least it felt like an entire movie. But that's not enough, especially in the wake of X-Men 2, which I have purchased and intend to enjoy it many more times. I will do my best to forget the other ones exist.