Watching Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End is one of the most joyless experiences I've ever had. I attempted to watch it in theaters but ended up leaving a little less than half-way through due to some sound issues and a real-life witch sitting behind us. I opted for a refund because sitting through the first forty hours of that movie again was about as enticing as seeing how long I can sit in an oven at 450 degrees.
Taking on the Pirates of the Caribbean series was daunting just knowing that I'd have to sit through this film, and as I came to enjoy the first two, I thought all my fears would be washed away by the sensation of pleasant surprise. Of course, the ugly sister-in-law of pleasant surprise is nasty shock, and that's all I can say about Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Evidenced in the fact that I watched the movie about a week ago and am only now dragging my feet through the desolate wastelands of the actual fucking review.
I get the feeling that the filmmakers thought they could cheapen everything good about the film because we're so invested in the universe, but just because everyone has seen the movies doesn't mean we're all head-over-heels in love with the world of the series. Watching Elizabeth and Will get married during the climax of the film has to be one of the worst ideas they could have possibly come up with. If you get a jolly from watching a couple of paper dolls get married, and I can't imagine who you might be, but you probably would like to see a romantic wedding, not the most violent wedding in the history of fiction. And if you're into awesome violence, and I can imagine who you might be, you will probably be turned off by all the wuss-burger romance going on in this fight. And that doesn't even begin to describe the horrific retardation present in that scene.
But that's not even the worst part about this film. The worst part about this film is it's about twenty hours long. I know the other films were long, but this was a torturous experience. It was just twenty hours of pirates talking about how they deserve the freedom to rape and pillage and murder and how they need to rally together and form a pirate nation to combat the East India Trading Company nation or something. Honestly, I think I may have fallen asleep at a few points in this movie. There's no compelling Macguffin or mystery or characters in this film. None of the characters are at the forefront of this story, they're all ciphers for the plot, and I can't imagine who thought that would be a good idea, considering the plot is like having balls forced down my mouth.
The second film had some great action setpieces, especially towards the end. This film mistakes "big" for "good". There's a gigantic action setpiece at the end of this film, but by the time I got to it, I had been bored to death by the endless exposition. It wasn't interesting, and even if it was a tour-de-force, it would have been too little too late. This film outstayed its welcome. There's no reason for this film to be so long. It's a pirate movie for God's sake. It should be 90 to 120 minutes of Johnny Depp swashbuckling and adventuring, with very little else involved.
You know what would be a good Pirates of the Caribbean film? How about Barbossa and Sparrow racing to find something mythical, like the Fountain of Youth, and the film could start with Sparrow killing Will and Elizabeth. I could stand twenty hours of that.
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