So naturally I settled on "most horrifying Disney villain deaths". I figure I'm a fan of Disney and a fan of death, so it's a good fit. Spoilers abound.
Dr. Facilier Dances With the Devil in the Pale MoonlightI think it's pretty natural to start with the most recent and the one that so kindly reminded me of Disney's unquenchable thirst for the innocence of little girls. I took my little sister to an evening showing of The Princess and the Frog thinking there wouldn't be many other children in the audience, but it was packed with drooling human larvae. For the most part they were well behaved, but audible gasps and shrieks rang out when the film's villain, Dr. Facilier, met his end. Apparently Dr. Facilier has been making deals with demons, and particularly spiteful demons who won't accept a well-structured, four-part apology and a gift certificate to Chili's when you let a plucky young heroine destroy their favorite soul-harvesting necklace. Dr. Facilier gets dragged into a purple voodoo Hell for his trouble. Apparently you can afford to burn through witch doctors like hash in Haiti when you're in New Orleans.
Ursula the Sea Witch in: A Very Disney DisembowelmentThe magnificently evil Ursula (who is up their with Cruella and Malificent for best Disney villain, but god damn it don't ask me to choose) seems to have gained the upper hand and acquired King Triton's Trident (she was doing something devious and magical - I haven't seen the movie in a while and don't remember how exactly the exchange goes down, but I'm pretty sure she didn't win it in a sit-up contest) and is doing the usual villain stuff in a romance film like damning true love and punching rainbows in half when, out of fucking nowhere, Prince Eric shows up with a ship and runs her through with it. You can see the scene here and you ought to because you probably don't realize how shocked everyone seems by it. It's like when some jerkoff cuts in front of you in the cafeteria and you press his face into the scalding hot lasagna. We were rooting for you until you did that. Even Ursula's face seems to reflect that sentiment. Sure she was being devious and trying to steal some voices and usurp the crown, but it's just the ocean. Who cares? It's a stupid thing to be king of, anyway. Hey, speaking of which...
Scar Has Awful Friends, Is an Awful FriendScar sets into motion the mostly stupidly complex and murderous plan to take control of the Pridelands, a crappy piece of undeveloped land in Africa with nothing fun to do when not lazily chomping on zebras. There only seems to be lionesses around, making Scar the most qualified lion for the job, a deck he clearly had to stack with the murder of his brother. Scar has somehow managed to drive the whole outfit into the ground and turn the Pridelands into a festering desert swampland/lesbian haven, and has even managed to chase out the fucking sun within a few years, or however long it takes for a lion to get facial hair. It takes his wussy vegetarian nephew a whole ten minutes to come back and usurp him, although a popular vote probably would have worked just as well. Still, Simba tosses Scar off a cliff and down to his hyena enforcers, who clearly have no qualms about eating another carnivore. Or maybe they're not eating him, because as far as I can tell, they're just wantonly tearing him limb from limb.
Judge Frollo Goes to HellThis one gets my vote for "most clearly inappropriate film ever made by Disney and aimed at children". I'm a fan of Victor Hugo's novel and the film manages to gimp a lot of important thematic framework by adhering itself to the most gut-wrenchingly wrong-headed formula that ever could have been applied to this story, so needless to say I don't have much affection for the film. I think we can all agree, though, that Judge Frollo's death scene is sweet. He falls into a pit of lava (why?) that is at the bottom of a sentient cathedral (really) that seems to know it's in a Disney film, or maybe it's a freshman English major who thinks it needs some heavy-handed symbolism for its villain to burn in. Whatever the case, Frollo's death is the stuff a child's nightmares are made of. For those of you who don't remember, he's dangling off a gargoyle when it suddenly comes to life, resembling nothing if not the most common iteration of a hellhound before breaking off and sending him into the lava (still not sure why that's there, maybe the local steel mill is on strike) below.
The Queen is Punished for Months of Ineffective Rule as She Hunts Nubile InnocentMost of the deaths on this list are pretty logical. Scar is eaten by hyenas for abusing their loyalty, Frollo falls to his death for thinking that a medieval stone gargoyle could support the weight of a grown man. The Queen's government sanctioned murder party is cut short by a group of protesting midgets and deer. Yeah, you may have forgotten that part. If there's any argument for Snow White being one of the greatest films of all time it's that there's a scene where midgets and deer chase an old hag up a cliff and to a death most elaborate. When she is chased to the top of the cliff by the midgets and deer she attempts to push a boulder down the rocky slope and onto them when a lightning bolt hits the piece of rock she's standing on and sends her down the cliff and the 8-foot boulder chases her to the bottom. What sort of horrible, Old Testament trickster god exists in the world of Snow White is absolutely beyond me, but for a death this elaborate, she couldn't have just pissed the Gods off, she had to have confused them. And the only scenario I can imagine is that, in her prayers, she asked the Gods to "give me a sign" and "define 'overkill'" in very close proximity. Oh, and she gets eaten by vultures.
Honorable mentions include Clayton of Tarzan, excluded because I haven't seen that film in ten years, Sykes from Oliver and Company, excluded because MY name is Oliver, Shan Yu from Mulan, excluded because Mulan sucks, The Horned King from The Black Cauldron, excluded because I've never seen The Black Cauldron, and Malificent from Sleeping Beauty, excluded because I'm not qualified to discuss a film that great.
I hope to have your insults penetrate my heart in the comments, but I won't get my hopes up.
5 comments:
"Nine" is a flop with critics. "The Lovely Bones" falls flat in limited release and the studio scraps plans for a Christmas Day wide release and plans to launch in January instead. Have these two films join "Amelia" as the once sure Oscar bets that have gone belly up?
I kind of hope so. I'd like to see something like The Messenger sneak in (though it's getting ignored in most categories and most places). How about Star Trek for Best Picture? That'd be something.
The only thing that ever made me think that Nine was going to be anything other than a flop was Daniel Day-Lewis. I still may see it just because he's in it, but my funds are so very low. Prostitution is becoming a viable solution.
Two steps ahead of you.
Just don't ask what the second step is.
Oh, and if I abscond with my true love in March as is my plan, it may put a damper on updates for a while. Not that it would be noticeable.
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