Drawing a mustache on someone is a sign of disrespect.You had two possible reactions. Either you shrugged in indifference, or you put your limited edition 1966 Counterculture Captain America figure through your monitor. Sorry about that. That man is Joe Johnston, a director who, if you were to objectify his filmography, would look like a sack of severed legs put through a continuous tumble dry for a week. If you still don't know who he is, his career includes such mind-numbing pile of animate, rotting banana peels as:
Now, after you've done all that, you may want to consider that list again. Is something missing? You're right, The Rocketeer, which is a fucking awesome bit of post-propoganda action kitsch and a film I adored as a child. It's lite and flag-wavey, but is never burdened by its patriotism, which is handled with an energetic, pulpy touch. When I heard Joe Johnston was going to direct Captain America, I initially buried my fists in the nearest vagrant but quickly reconsidered. If he can retread the Rocketeer path and bring a good cast into the mix, he can pull it off, especially under the watchful eye of Marvel, who won't let a project languish in post-production and turn into something entirely different over years of editing. My spirits brightened, although I could name a dozen better candidates off the top of my head.
If The Wolfman proved anything to me, it's that Johnston can assemble a cast that should work (in theory, anyway; see Wolfman review for further analysis) and he proved me right. A list of actors up for the part of Captain America was released and John Krasinski was at the top of it. The fans, holy shit the fucking fans. They went buttfuck. They cursed everyone involved with the production, threatened boycotts, injected dopamine straight into their eyesockets and Marvel quickly issued a press release stating he was out of the running.
I don't know how many of you follow movie news, and I don't know how many of you remember when Heath Ledger was announced as the actor to play The Joker, but people lost their shit. In everyone's mind he was still the girly pretty boy from A Knight's Tale or the dude that fucked that kid from October Sky in that movie that we make jokes about. Now, imagine for a moment if Christopher Nolan, famous for not being a pussy, had buckled under fan pressure and cast Robin Williams. Or someone. Imagine what we would be denied if we second-guessed the production of a film, and imagine what a pussy the filmmakers and/or studio would have to be to dam up the natural flow of their film to please morons.
Just watch. Just watch the film fall out of Marvel's ass and just watch everyone stare in sarcastic shock because the filmmakers weren't doing what they wanted, but rather depositing the demands of the unwashed masses directly into an otherwise coherent project, forgoing cohesion and greatness for the warm blanket of familiarity and expectations met at eye-level.
This is not fucking possible. If people who read comics would sell their Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and go for a jog every now and then, they'd realize that the human frame cannot support that sort of musculature. A real woman does not look like this. Fantasy is great and all, but we have to remember the limitations of the real world, and we're casting an actor based on his skill first and his biceps second. Krasinski is tall and sleekly muscled, perfect for a character whose primary attribute is his speed. Imagine John Krasinski in the Captain America uniform. Strong jaw, mask distracts from the goofy nose. Pretty wholesome and all-American, isn't he? Now imagine him without it on, playing the goofy, nerdy Steve Rogers. Holy shit, isn't that perfect? And isn't this an origin story? Well butter my bread, I think we've found a Captain America.
John Krasinski is clearly (CLEARLY) the best choice for the role, but now that he's supposedly out of the running, we have actors like Mike Vogel, who will play the exact same version of the character that John Krasinski, but who will be (somehow) more marketable. Meanwhile, the studio throws Chris Evans onto the list in a retarded attempt to keep the fanboys from flipping over the Marvel headquarters. If you asked me a few hours ago, I would have said there was no way they'd give a role written for a pasty, skinny white guy to a pin-up like Chris Evans, but after I've been thinking about it there doesn't seem to be an end to Marvel and Joe Johnston's pussyness. I don't know who will get the role, but this film could have been great. It could have easily been the best of these Marvel films because the character lends himself so well to the long legacy of American action films and cartoon jingoism.
I suppose Krasinski got the worst of it, and will forever know that a role he would have been perfect for and that would have made him an international superstar was stolen by fanboy whining and arbitrarily given to someone else.
- Jumanji
- The Pagemaster
- Jurassic Park 3
- Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
- October Sky
- The Wolfman
- Hidalgo
Now, after you've done all that, you may want to consider that list again. Is something missing? You're right, The Rocketeer, which is a fucking awesome bit of post-propoganda action kitsch and a film I adored as a child. It's lite and flag-wavey, but is never burdened by its patriotism, which is handled with an energetic, pulpy touch. When I heard Joe Johnston was going to direct Captain America, I initially buried my fists in the nearest vagrant but quickly reconsidered. If he can retread the Rocketeer path and bring a good cast into the mix, he can pull it off, especially under the watchful eye of Marvel, who won't let a project languish in post-production and turn into something entirely different over years of editing. My spirits brightened, although I could name a dozen better candidates off the top of my head.
If The Wolfman proved anything to me, it's that Johnston can assemble a cast that should work (in theory, anyway; see Wolfman review for further analysis) and he proved me right. A list of actors up for the part of Captain America was released and John Krasinski was at the top of it. The fans, holy shit the fucking fans. They went buttfuck. They cursed everyone involved with the production, threatened boycotts, injected dopamine straight into their eyesockets and Marvel quickly issued a press release stating he was out of the running.
I don't know how many of you follow movie news, and I don't know how many of you remember when Heath Ledger was announced as the actor to play The Joker, but people lost their shit. In everyone's mind he was still the girly pretty boy from A Knight's Tale or the dude that fucked that kid from October Sky in that movie that we make jokes about. Now, imagine for a moment if Christopher Nolan, famous for not being a pussy, had buckled under fan pressure and cast Robin Williams. Or someone. Imagine what we would be denied if we second-guessed the production of a film, and imagine what a pussy the filmmakers and/or studio would have to be to dam up the natural flow of their film to please morons.
Just watch. Just watch the film fall out of Marvel's ass and just watch everyone stare in sarcastic shock because the filmmakers weren't doing what they wanted, but rather depositing the demands of the unwashed masses directly into an otherwise coherent project, forgoing cohesion and greatness for the warm blanket of familiarity and expectations met at eye-level.
This is not fucking possible. If people who read comics would sell their Oscar Mayer Weinermobile and go for a jog every now and then, they'd realize that the human frame cannot support that sort of musculature. A real woman does not look like this. Fantasy is great and all, but we have to remember the limitations of the real world, and we're casting an actor based on his skill first and his biceps second. Krasinski is tall and sleekly muscled, perfect for a character whose primary attribute is his speed. Imagine John Krasinski in the Captain America uniform. Strong jaw, mask distracts from the goofy nose. Pretty wholesome and all-American, isn't he? Now imagine him without it on, playing the goofy, nerdy Steve Rogers. Holy shit, isn't that perfect? And isn't this an origin story? Well butter my bread, I think we've found a Captain America.
John Krasinski is clearly (CLEARLY) the best choice for the role, but now that he's supposedly out of the running, we have actors like Mike Vogel, who will play the exact same version of the character that John Krasinski, but who will be (somehow) more marketable. Meanwhile, the studio throws Chris Evans onto the list in a retarded attempt to keep the fanboys from flipping over the Marvel headquarters. If you asked me a few hours ago, I would have said there was no way they'd give a role written for a pasty, skinny white guy to a pin-up like Chris Evans, but after I've been thinking about it there doesn't seem to be an end to Marvel and Joe Johnston's pussyness. I don't know who will get the role, but this film could have been great. It could have easily been the best of these Marvel films because the character lends himself so well to the long legacy of American action films and cartoon jingoism.
I suppose Krasinski got the worst of it, and will forever know that a role he would have been perfect for and that would have made him an international superstar was stolen by fanboy whining and arbitrarily given to someone else.
2 comments:
It's official, Cgris Evans.
I will henceforth always refer to him as Cgris Evans in a show of disrespect.
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