Set Phasers to File

It's taken me nearly six months, but I finally finished my trek through the Star Trek canon. I've watched all eleven films released over 30 years and watched half-interested at all sorts of intergalactic turmoil.

It's unfortunate that these films were, by and large, not very good. In fact, this series was consistently mediocre or sub-par. Only three of the original ten films I'd really consider rewatching or giving much thought to, however I reserve the right to reevaluate my scores in light of my newfound appreciation for the Star Trek canon, the magic of hindsight and the ever-changing tastes of a nubile blogger. In chronological order:

1. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Original Score: 7/10

I'm a sucker for hard sci-fi and the Original Series struck the perfect balance between mass-appeal gadget porn and real existentialist pondering. Also, I'm a sucker for operatic shots of space and gorgeous sci-fi production design. If it weren't for the effects and production design this would be a pretty empty film, though. Even the cast seems disaffected by the script. It is, however, a great capoff for the Original Series. The rest of the films don't resemble it that much and could easily be any space adventure with any cast. While The Motion Picture doesn't do a lot to preserve the cheap aesthetic of the series, it's a great reunion show for the cast.

Revised Score: 7/10

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Original Score: 4/10

For all the hype surrounding this film, it was even more static than the notorious The Motion Picture. The conflict was slow and unengaging and the characters spent the movie sitting in chairs and doing little to interact with their environment. There was never any sense of urgency or danger, but there was Khan, who was a fantastic villain and probably the only reason I can see to watch this movie, and that's more than some of the later films will offer.

Revised Score: 5/10

3. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Original Score: 3/10

It's meant to be an exciting space adventure, but the cast always looks like they just woke up and are waiting for their coffee to be ready. And without Leonard Nimoy, the film loses its best actor. And, if stories are to be believed, when casting the Klingon villain they went with Christopher fucking Lloyd over Edward James Olmos. That just might be one of the horsemen of the apocalypse.

Revised Score: 3/10

4. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
Original Score: 5/10

Discussing this film with a Trekkie friend of mine, he suggested I might get better mileage out of the film if I stop thinking of it as a comedy. I realize that my preconceived notions about the film and what people had told me about the film got in the way of my critical duties, because it's a perfectly fine movie if we ignore all the easy fish-out-of-water comedy. But the whole thing is so fucking safe. The cast doesn't seem to have any energy. It's just a routine space adventure with nothing at stake and no reason to get invested.

Revised Score: 5/10

5. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Original Score: 2/10

This film is like straight vaudeville. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it's an experimental film made for the sake of weirdness. It certainly held my attention the best of any of the films up to this point and it's hard to deny that it's the most unique of all the films in this series. Still, the shoddy filmmaking and my suspicion that weirdness wasn't the intent and it was just the result of an inexperienced rush job conspired against it, giving it a score that would imply that I hate it. On the contrary, I quite like it and, damn it, this is MY blog and if I like something, I can give it an appropriate score.

Revised Score: 7/10

6. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
Original Score: 7/10

The first film in the series that really starts getting anything right comes a little bit late. It's a fun space adventure with aliens, far-off planets, space battles and exciting drama onboard the Enterprise. The drama of the film is unique to the characters and they have things at stake. The cast has more energy here than they've probably ever had and Nicholas Meyer keeps things bounding in his second outing as director after Wrath of Khan.

7/10

7. Star Trek: Generations (1994)
Original Score: 3/10

It was just an episode of the TV show. It was all stupid. I'd much rather watch the TV show. At least the TV show tended to be well-written.

Revised Score: 2/10

8. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
Original Score: 8/10

A smashing artistic and financial success, First Contact introduced elements of horror and amped up the action, giving a certain six-year-old boy nightmares for months. It's exactly the sort of gamble on tone that the series needed and everything is the better for it. The metaphysical pondering is the most effective yet, the story is the most exciting and the actors never did better work (that I've seen, I'll bet Patrick Stewart making breakfast every morning is a harrowing experience). Unfortunately there are some problems, mostly that the filmmakers don't want to make the film TOO exciting. Am I allowed to deduct points for missed opportunities? Hell, I'm doing it.

Revised Score: 8/10

9. Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
Original Score: 3/10

It's got pretty much all the same problems that Generations had. It's not even a noteworthy failure. It's just terribly boring. The exciting new directions they went in with First Contact have been mysteriously abandoned. Patrick Stewart's god-like acting seems to be on vacation and we have to listen to bullshit about some group of old people who don't want to be sent to a retirement home even though their shuffleboard court is on top of the solutions to many of humanity's most desperate fears. I didn't get it, I was totally on the Federation's side the whole time.

Revised Score: 3/10

10. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
Original Score: 4/10

I'm pretty much subtracting six points for missed opportunity here. This was a film desperately trying to be great, but stuck with a director who didn't know what he was doing and a cast too tired to bring any life to the film. It's like a great musician taking a final bow and then getting his violin strings wrapped around his neck.

Revised Score: 4/10

Even if I liked hardly any of these films, I think I'll miss doing them. It was always interesting and there was always very little accumulated wisdom of the films going in to skew my perspective. Goodbye, Star Trek. You were probably never right to be a film franchise.