Star Trek

So I went into J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot thinking that there would be a lot of nerds to beat up and a lot of lunch money to collect. Unfortunately, in a "Pac-Man collects the little blue ball and eats all the goddamn ghosts" sort of moment, I was the one who ended up the brunt of this assault. Until my heart burst my tormentors goaded me and harassed me to their hearts content, and now I know what all the nerds felt like all those years. I would vow to turn over a new leaf, but this far exceeded any torture I ever subjected them to. No, now I must head out on a mission of revenge, collecting bloodied pocket protectors as proof of success.

Do you want to know the torment leveled against me? I pray your stomachs can withstand a tale so vile, for it was truly a malevolent assault.

Some cocksucker in front of me clapped at every fucking thing that happened in the film. When Anton Yelchin showed up sporting his native accent (although I don't know if that's Mr. Yelchin's real accent) the guy laughed so loud and clapped so hard that I couldn't hear the dialogue, try as I might. Later, he took out his cell phone and held it up to record the film. I had already complained to the management twice about other people in the theater (and gone to the restroom once) and missed enough of the film, so I decided I would put up with it.

For the first five minutes of the film, a group of people climbed over seats (including my seat and my friend's seat) so that they could reach the seats in the corner without disturbing the people in the aisle. They then proceeded to talk about their seating arrangement. And then talk through the rest of the fucking film.

And for the last 20 minutes of the film, a girl talked loudly on her cell phone. My friend attempted to get her attention, but to no avail. The girl simply proceeded to talk over my friend.

That, and the audience must have been gassed by something noxious before they walked into the theater because they laughed at everything. EVERYTHING. They laughed hysterically when Leonard Nimoy showed up.

But there's a film to be reviewed and I won't allow my distasteful experience soil my (un)professional obligations to my reader(s).

From the trailers, I gathered this would be a rollicking good space adventure film. I expected it to define, in my mind and at least for this summer, the concept of fun with an evil villain, a charismatic hero, huge space battles, awesome gun fights and exciting non-combat setpieces.

And it did. Excellent work, Abrams.

I suppose I shouldn't stop there, though and since I've already said such nice things about it, I think I'll start with the bad.

Chris Pine is good, but not great. He's got charisma but sort of comes off as a dick, and while I'm not against protagonists being assholes (as it's the ultimate cop-out for a critic who hasn't met their quota of films to bash for the month), it's not always a great idea for the hero in an action film to be a dick. It can make it hard to root for him. I really wish Matt Damon could have played this role (he was rumored for the part and actively sought it, but Abrams deemed him too old).

Also, the editing in the fight scenes tends to be a bit hectic and doesn't always serve the scenes well, particularly in an early bar fight.

Anyway, those are relatively small complaints and they're my biggest ones. This film is a well-oiled machine but doesn't move so fast that you don't get a feel for the universe. It's tight without being constricting, a lesson many summer movie helmers could learn from (no, I'm not referring to Christopher Nolan, dumbass).

I've heard a lot of complaints leveled against the film's use of lens flares, but that didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I thought it gave the film a unique and (dare I jump the gun) iconic look, making the Enterprise especially look ethereal.

Most of the performances are very good. I'm a big fan of Simon Pegg and he nearly steals the film as Scotty, while Eric Bana does a great job as the very sinister Captain Nero, an over-the-top role that he nails like nothing he's done since Munich four years ago.

I highly recommend this film, and it's the one to beat as far as summer action films (I imagine I'll like Up more). I hope they only get better from here.

9/10