I'm twenty today, which is okay. I don't have any sort of attachment to being a teenager, but I am attached to the curve upon which you're graded simply for being a teenager. This blog is going to be much less impressive when it's run by some guy in his twenties rather than a fresh-faced and optimistic teenager.
There are small things that will have to change about me now. As the title suggests, quotations from The Office are going to be a satisfactory replacement for a real sense of humor, I can no longer smoke clove cigarettes, I have to start looking for someone to marry or at least pretend to look until I get a chick pregnant and I have to discover a philosopher, change my lifestyle drastically and then give up when I can't maintain the changes after four months or so. As a placeholder until I find some really awesome Assyrian philosophies, I'll invite you all to celebrate my birthday. We'll meet in the catacombs beneath Paris, I'll encourage a dress code of black robes and solemn stares, I'll serve loaves of bread with candelabras stuffed into them and I'll fill a pail with water which we can take turns drinking out of.
The only thing I think I'll really miss about being a teenager is the lax expectations. As I said before, having an occasionally interesting thought is far more important when you're less than twenty years out of the womb. I'm going to be expected to do something really interesting or be looked upon as a failure, so suggestions are welcome.
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday, October 23, 2009
When Swines Flew
My plan was to see A Serious Man, Big Fan and Paranormal Activity this weekend, but there's a distinct possibility I have either swine flu or bacterial pneumonia and if I caused the next Black Death I would feel at least a little bit bad.
In the meantime, I'll try and get the next few Mindscape of Michael Bay reviews up and maybe get a classic review or two in there. Sorry to all my loyal readers for the recent lull in activity, I've been dealing with school and personal problems, not to mention I'm sharing a Netflix account.
So while I burn the buboes off with a torch and suck the puss out with a cobra, go find something else to do. But don't leave me forever, my self-esteem is tied to your comments.
In the meantime, I'll try and get the next few Mindscape of Michael Bay reviews up and maybe get a classic review or two in there. Sorry to all my loyal readers for the recent lull in activity, I've been dealing with school and personal problems, not to mention I'm sharing a Netflix account.
So while I burn the buboes off with a torch and suck the puss out with a cobra, go find something else to do. But don't leave me forever, my self-esteem is tied to your comments.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The Files of Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray
In an attempt to make $100 million, I've decided to write a series of mystery novels. Since I don't know how copyright works, I'm going to post my ideas here so that when you all start stealing them, I can point here and call you a thief.
The Files of Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray concern the investigations of LA detective Inspector Brain, a man who always follows his gut and always plays by his own rules, and his robotic sidekick Professor Killroy Deathray.
Originally built as a bar-tending robot, he earned his robo-Ph.D in the workings of the universe. He was then fixed with a ray gun by the robot overlords and sent to work in the LA Police Department as a spy. He ultimately developed a mutual respect for seasoned detective Inspector Brain. Upon developing sentience, Professor Killroy Deathray realized that the annihilation of the human race was unjustifiable and he and Inspector Brain teamed up to stop it. They flew to the robot overlords' space station and destroyed the robot overlords and their supply of liver-targeting nerve gas. Eventually they moved into the space station and became roommates.
Their boss is the hard-drinking, by-the-books Irish veteran Chief O'Malley.
I have developed some bare-bones plot descriptions for their first few novels:
INSPECTOR BRAIN and the EVENING BEAR
Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray investigate a murdered bear found on Sunset Blvd. Their investigation leads them to a race of genetically-superior nocturnal bears that wear pants and do aerobics. Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray argue in favor of Bear Rights in front of the Senate. They move every senator to tears, including the bear-hating Texas senator. By the end of this adventure, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray achieve global harmony with humans and bears, but agree with the Texas senator that separate drinking fountains should be installed.
INSPECTOR BRAIN and the CORE OF EXISTENCE
When the core of the Earth goes missing, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray are called in by Barack Obama to investigate. They discover a plot by a multi-national corporation to destroy the planet and make big bucks. In a race against the clock, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray must return the core before the Earth becomes a giant snowball. In the explosive climax, beluga whales carry the core back to the center of the Earth, emphasizing the importance of beluga whales in our everyday lives.
INSPECTOR BRAIN and the MAN NON THE MOON
When a man falls off the moon and lands in Brain's jurisdiction, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray go to the moon to investigate. There, they are shocked to discover the conditions the moon-miners live in, living in hovels and often ending up in debt to the company store. After ruling the man's death a suicide, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray attend his funeral. In the middle of the funeral, the coffin opens up and the CEO of the mining company climbs out. He announces that everyone in attendance is fired for missing work. Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray help the miners storm the corporate headquarters. They make their way to the CEO where they demand their jobs back and a raise. The episode ends with a message about the importance of paying permanent workers a living wage.
INSPECTOR BRAIN and the GHOST OF THE SOUTH
When an assassination attempt on Barack Obama barely fails, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray are called in to investigate. They track the assassin to the deep south and discover that the Ku Klux Klan are behind it. Inspector Brain gives a speech about the forward momentum of society and the antiquated nature of racism while Professor Killroy Deathray sneaks up behind them and shoots them all. They bury them all in a mass grave. The novel ends with Barack Obama giving a speech about how we must bury America's racist past and learn to be tolerant of everyone.
INSPECTOR BRAIN and WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN
After a string of rapes plagues the downtown LA area, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray track the rapist down. When they find him they discover a small museum of beautiful paintings based on the rapes. Upon discovering them, Inspector Brain explain to the painter the importance of drawing on imagination when depicting something like rape and the power art has to transform convicts into peaceful members of society. The novel ends with a message on the importance of the National Endowment for the Arts.
INSPECTOR BRAIN and the NEXT OF KIN
In the most exciting adventure of Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray yet, Professor Killroy Deathray discovers his long-lost twin brother, Loveroy Liveray (reach down, God, give me a high five!), is up to something. Having grown up an orphan with no Boys and Girls Club to go to after school, Loveroy Liveray plans to make Mount St. Helen erupt and wipe out all existence on Earth after knocking Inspector Brain unconscious during their first encounter. It's up to Professor Killroy Deathray to come to terms with his own abandonment issues, stop his brother and convince the citizens of LA County to donate to their local Boys and Girls Club.
The Files of Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray concern the investigations of LA detective Inspector Brain, a man who always follows his gut and always plays by his own rules, and his robotic sidekick Professor Killroy Deathray.
Originally built as a bar-tending robot, he earned his robo-Ph.D in the workings of the universe. He was then fixed with a ray gun by the robot overlords and sent to work in the LA Police Department as a spy. He ultimately developed a mutual respect for seasoned detective Inspector Brain. Upon developing sentience, Professor Killroy Deathray realized that the annihilation of the human race was unjustifiable and he and Inspector Brain teamed up to stop it. They flew to the robot overlords' space station and destroyed the robot overlords and their supply of liver-targeting nerve gas. Eventually they moved into the space station and became roommates.
Their boss is the hard-drinking, by-the-books Irish veteran Chief O'Malley.
I have developed some bare-bones plot descriptions for their first few novels:
Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray investigate a murdered bear found on Sunset Blvd. Their investigation leads them to a race of genetically-superior nocturnal bears that wear pants and do aerobics. Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray argue in favor of Bear Rights in front of the Senate. They move every senator to tears, including the bear-hating Texas senator. By the end of this adventure, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray achieve global harmony with humans and bears, but agree with the Texas senator that separate drinking fountains should be installed.
When the core of the Earth goes missing, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray are called in by Barack Obama to investigate. They discover a plot by a multi-national corporation to destroy the planet and make big bucks. In a race against the clock, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray must return the core before the Earth becomes a giant snowball. In the explosive climax, beluga whales carry the core back to the center of the Earth, emphasizing the importance of beluga whales in our everyday lives.
When a man falls off the moon and lands in Brain's jurisdiction, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray go to the moon to investigate. There, they are shocked to discover the conditions the moon-miners live in, living in hovels and often ending up in debt to the company store. After ruling the man's death a suicide, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray attend his funeral. In the middle of the funeral, the coffin opens up and the CEO of the mining company climbs out. He announces that everyone in attendance is fired for missing work. Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray help the miners storm the corporate headquarters. They make their way to the CEO where they demand their jobs back and a raise. The episode ends with a message about the importance of paying permanent workers a living wage.
When an assassination attempt on Barack Obama barely fails, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray are called in to investigate. They track the assassin to the deep south and discover that the Ku Klux Klan are behind it. Inspector Brain gives a speech about the forward momentum of society and the antiquated nature of racism while Professor Killroy Deathray sneaks up behind them and shoots them all. They bury them all in a mass grave. The novel ends with Barack Obama giving a speech about how we must bury America's racist past and learn to be tolerant of everyone.
After a string of rapes plagues the downtown LA area, Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray track the rapist down. When they find him they discover a small museum of beautiful paintings based on the rapes. Upon discovering them, Inspector Brain explain to the painter the importance of drawing on imagination when depicting something like rape and the power art has to transform convicts into peaceful members of society. The novel ends with a message on the importance of the National Endowment for the Arts.
In the most exciting adventure of Inspector Brain and Professor Killroy Deathray yet, Professor Killroy Deathray discovers his long-lost twin brother, Loveroy Liveray (reach down, God, give me a high five!), is up to something. Having grown up an orphan with no Boys and Girls Club to go to after school, Loveroy Liveray plans to make Mount St. Helen erupt and wipe out all existence on Earth after knocking Inspector Brain unconscious during their first encounter. It's up to Professor Killroy Deathray to come to terms with his own abandonment issues, stop his brother and convince the citizens of LA County to donate to their local Boys and Girls Club.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
These Are Things I'm Interested in Right Now
The saddest, most deadpan of all comedians. It almost breaks your heart to watch him perform. He's like Demetri Martin, but with edge and an interesting persona. Not only was he by far the best thing about The Hangover, he has all the makings of a great, great actor. His series "Between Two Ferns" is one of the funniest things the evil scientist's laboratory of mediocrity Funny or Die has ever concocted.
Patton Oswalt is the funniest comedian I've ever seen. Period. He's the best performer, the best writer. His comedy drifts between almost avant-garde material (ie: his piece on reality TV) and more standard comedy fare (his piece on airplanes and specifically Jet Blue), and the weird thing is they're both equally incredible. Neither one feels like a concession. He's just that good. A lot of people I've talked to about Patton Oswalt don't think he's very good, like my own brother (traitor), and to me, that's bananas. His act isn't a giant dick joke, and it's not so deadpan that it almost ceases to be comedy. It's the perfect balancing act of every style of comedy, and again, not one time is it a compromise.
Despite its hit-or-miss quality, and despite the fact that it stars William "I rape a crewmember in one episode" Shatner, its good episodes are fucking fantastic. Its character interactions, especially those between Kirk and Spock, are first-rate, thanks to the writing and especially thanks to Leonard Nimoy. While there are episodes like the one with the race of space hippies and the race of space gangsters, there are also episodes like The City on the Edge of Forever that rank among the finest in film or television to come out of the 1960's. So far I've enjoyed several episodes of the Original Series more than any of the films.
Because I'm totally ready to have my eyeballs melted by this movie. If I finish my Star Trek retrospective and my Michael Bay retrospective before Antichrist hits my local theaters (I have the 2-at-a-time Netflix, I have to share it with my family, and they started sending me shit from the middle of my queue), I'll have to do a retrospective on Lars Von Trier because, believe it or not, I've never seen a one of his films.
I don't have to explain this, do I? Every now and then I'll just start listening to him exclusively. Specifically I've been listening to Closing Time and Orphans. It's a shame that he'll have to die before he's recognized as the greatest American lyricist of the latter half of the 20th century.
 | Tom Waits - Martha |  |
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 | Found at skreemr.com |  |
Sunday, September 13, 2009
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